Saturday, 2 January 2016

My Love Story

It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon..
I saw a shooting star and thought of you...



I always thought that being in a relationship without the acknowledgement of others was the most painful thing in the world. In fact, till this day I still believe this saying to be true. Having to hide someone you are so proud of from the world is heartbreaking, having to go through lies over lives to hide soul mate's existence from your family just so that you keep everyone happy is straining as time goes by.

I sang a lullaby by the water side and knew..
If you were here, I'd sing to you...


3 years ago today, I was the happiest girl alive because I managed to win the love of my crush and my best guy friend who I spent most of my days talking too. Our love life was never smooth sailing from the start, we had many ups and downs, many fights and many break ups. Instead of calling it off and find a simpler route, we knew that if we went down that road we will regret it for the rest of our lives. We fixed our problems and learned from our mistakes, after each argument we had I learn to appreciate and love him even more than before. Despite all our depressing past, we also made many beautiful memories together.

You're on the other side as the skyline splits in two...
I'm miles away from seeing you...



We may not have the finance to go on luxurious trips together, or going out to the cinema or shopping eventually bore us because of all the stares we would get from the public. Not that it bothered us, but we preferred to stay indoors either watch a movie online or just play games together. Occasionally we would go out for night walks around midnight where it would be quiet and alone or star gazing under the night sky. It became a habit for us to go out at 3am to the mamak or McDonald's, most of the time I would be asleep by then but he is still awake gaming. Around 1am I would be nagging on how hungry I am, and he would delay me until 3am to go eat.

I can see the stars from America...
I wonder, do you see them, too?



I remember making him watch "The Fault in Our Stars" with me, not because we had a soft spot for romance but simply because I fell in love with the song "All The Stars" by Ed Sheeran. Which was a completely stupid idea because the both of us fell asleep at the cinema half way through the movie. We both woke up to teary eyed couples around us. To be honest, Divergent had a better love story than this.

So open your eyes and see...
The way our horizons meet...



I remember one of the longest times I haven't spoke with him was during his trip to Saudi for Umrah with his mom and siblings. I spent everyday of my last 3 years with him, talking to him on Facebook, and honestly those 12 days were the hardest for me. "All the Stars" was the latest memory we both had during that time, I listened to that song every minute of the day to keep me sane from overthinking that I'll never be able to see him again because at the same time. I wake up paranoid all week with my Facebook news feed filled with rumors and articles of terrorist attacks and flight tragedies because the hot topic at the time was Flight MH370. I feared waking up one morning and receiving news that I lost him in a flight crash. I know, I sound ridiculous when I look back on how innocent and stupid I was.

And all of the lights will lead...

Into the night with me...



Aside from all the ups and down in our personal lives, typical couple fights caused by jealousy and miscommunication.. we were eventually faced with financial problems after he moved to Penang with me. The choice to pack his bags and move interstate with me was so sudden, my housemate at the time didn't agree to having him move in with us. He was homeless and we had to find a place for him a.s.a.p. I had finals coming up and he was having a hard time securing a job due to his qualifications but most of his rejections were mostly based on racism. Penang is a pretty segregated community, Malays hang out with Malays, Chinese in their own community and Indians chilling out doing their own thing, foreigners also had their own pack. It was difficult for him to fit in there, so he was unemployed for many months. We had to make things work, so we tried cutting cost and living as cheap as possible.

And I know these scars will bleed...
But both of our hearts believe...



From eating out at restaurants, came the take outs from Mamaks. From wasting our money on snacks to buying groceries and cooking dinner together. From whole meals to eating Maggie Cup noodles together, it was basically all 'been-there-done-that' for us. Our financial status hit so low that eating fast food was considered as a heavy expense. Every time I had the temptation to buy materials for cosplay, I had to fight the urge because seeing my boyfriend starve while I'm at college was a more painful sight for me.

All of the stars will guide us home.

Let's be real, at this point it would have pushed many couples including married ones to the edge. Waking up to hate the morning sun because we had to think of what to do settle our meals. I would get irritated with him staying in all day and secretly start to compare him with others. Every time I had such thoughts, I would brush it off because I know I was the one that choose him to be my partner. If I really loved him like I claim I do, I better stick to my words and not let materialistic cravings get the best of me. I had to look at things from his point of view, he doesn't show his pain on the outside like I do but deep down he is broken and depressed from how reality has been treating him. For someone like me to have a more blessed life than him, I had to be his pillar of emotional support.

I can hear your heart on the radio beat...
They're playing 'Chasing Cars' and I thought of us...


Waking up next to him was one of the best feelings in the world. Even if we both wake up all sweaty most of the time due to the weather, I'd still give him a morning kiss to wake him up. Exchanging morning breath was one of the little moments where we share our laughs. Our lives together was short lived when I had to move back to the college hostel when my father couldn't afford to pay my rent and I too agree that me living out alone was a bit too much on my father. I discussed it with his parents and he moved back in with his parents after that. Our lives resumed back to normal for a short period of time and just when I thought our crazy roller coaster ride had came to an end. The both of us fell into an abyss that forced our parents to meet each other for the very first time. All I can say is that it didn't end well, and this nightmare has just begun.

Back to the time, you were lying next to me...
I looked across and fell in love...



Without receiving the support from my parents, and the pressure coming in from every direction I look too.. I fell into a deep depression not knowing what to do, where to go and who to turn to. Every corner I turn to, there will be someone expecting an answer from me on how to settle the problem at hand. The worst was when I had to give an answer for my actions, it would be kicked aside because it wasn't what THEY wanted to hear. I had no one to get emotional comfort from, and no where for me to go to have a quiet place to think. I was so focused on making everyone happy, I just wanted to fast forward this chapter of life. For the sake of pleasing everyone, I convinced myself that if I just disappeared then everything will be fixed and everything will be fine. I chose to run away, leaving behind the only message was that I will kill myself.

So can you see the stars over Amsterdam?
You're the song my heart is beating to...



Everyone in my family was worried sake for me, my mom almost fell to her feet when she heard that I ran away from home. My dad was heartbroken and didn't know what to do, which was really uncommon for him.. he always knew what to do but not this time. On the bright side, I wasn't as stupid and dramatic like most girls in TV Shows, instead of running away alone I called up my best friend to take me away. At that point, she was the only one I could trust and I poured out my feelings to her. After 4 hours of thinking, I sorted out my priorities, knew what was best and stuck to that choice. The biggest lesson for me was to never run away from your problems, when you plan on closing a chapter make sure it is closed for good and never open it up again.

So open your eyes and see..
The way our horizons meet...


Through out the whole situation, one issue kept surfacing and its repeated by the mouths of many over and over again and I'm starting to get sick of hearing it. Based on popular believes, most interracial relationships have to involve religion. Its stupid that my relationship with Said can never be only between the both of us, other people will try to butt their way in and give us their two sense opinion. Religion was never a topic between us, heck it was never even part of our daily lives. Its not like we are uneducated on the topic, Said was taught well in his religion but doesn't practices it due to his westernized upbringing during his childhood in Australia. I am well equipped  in the teachings of Buddism and Taoism, but I don't go overboard with it because I feel like my religion is more of a lifestyle that teaches me on what is right and what is not. Majority oppose against our relationship because it is out of the norm, because they are too stubborn to change their mindset to keep up with the current generation. We were lead to believe that we will never be able to live our lives peacefully because of authority figures imposing man written rules on us based on what they think is right.

And all of the lights will lead into the night with me



I may be considered young and inexperienced, but I don't need to prove to anyone on how much I love Said, I know and he knows and that is enough for me. I will not cheat, I will not abandon him, I will not leave him. I will be sincere to him, I will love him with all that I can, and I will stay by his side even if he has hit his lowest point. I will be his shelter, I will be his companion, and I will aim to be his life partner. I don't need to impress anyone but myself, because outsider's opinions are not needed in my love life, hypocrites can keep your two sense opinion to yourself. Before you teach me how to love someone, solve your own problems first.



There will never be an ending to our love story, how can you close the book when the chapter has only begun? If Said and I were meant to be, we will still be together till we take our last breaths. Cheers to our 3 years Anniversary, Said. I love you and I can't wait to see what the future has installed for us. What I can assure you is that I will be holding your hand when we face our inner demons and whatever shit life wants to throw at us. After what we had been through, we can finally settle down and plan our future together. No more hiding, no more lies, the ring I wear on my hand will send a clear enough message on who my heart belongs too.


Thank you for reading. 

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